the Characters ||
the Author ||
the Critics Would Have Said
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The richest man in Chicago is found dead from a drug overdose in the men's room of his law firm, the prestigious Fenton, Pettigrew & Cohenstein. Find out what is funny about murder after attending the wake and funeral presided over by The Prophet Andy, head of The Evangelical Congregation of the Angel Gabriel. The dead guy is 82, uses a wheel chair, speaks through an electro larynx and is completely covered up with clothing, scarves, dark glasses and gloves. To the nuthouse full of lawyers we add his 22 year old girl friend and his three ex-wives and their children who all work in his businesses.
It looks like someone else had a hand in the overdose. The last ones to have been around him in the men's room are two young lawyers, the gay Sean Featherbottom and the fag hag Tambola Cook who stalks him. What was she doing in the men's room? Don't ask.
Our hero, Bumper Lohman, the big nobody Managing Partner, must figure out who done it quick when the cops bust up a big family gathering to arrest the guilty parties. Along the way we review the pathetic state of Chicago, the law, lawyers, their clients, the rich, the snobs, the gay, the straight, the young, the old, finance, politics and technology. Oh woe to us to have been thrust into such deviant turmoil!
- Bumper Lohman. Managing partner of Fenton, Pettigrew & Cohenstein. Not the head of the firm. Just the guy who does the scut work. A person of little importance.
- Louie. Bumper's Great Dane.
- Tina Goblat. Tete. Lohman's 6 foot tall 220 pound secretary. You better do what she says.
- Edgar Ivan O'Brien. The richest guy in Chicago. Found dead in an F, P & C men's room. Known as The Lion. A big client of the firm.
- Graybourne St. Charles. Graybee, Charlie or the Saint. His partners call him Grabby. Anti-Semitic, waspy, old line snob. Chairman of the firm. He's the boss. Keeps his cat, Pussy, in his office.
- Zenon Cohenstein. St. Charles may be the Chairman, but Zenon's name is on the marque.
- Arthur Swifton. Arty. Swifty. Chairman of the Swifton Bank and head of the Swifton family with its vast business interests. Graybee is his lawyer. Birds of a feather flock together and so do vacuums.
- John Sweeney. Young lawyer with a lot of show business clients who would be on a fast track to partnership if he could just keep from telling people like St.Charles that all the girls like Sweeney weeney.
- Trisha DeLang. Granddaughter of The Lion. Potty mouthed pop star.
- Jerry Nuftdone. Estate planning partner who after years of trying and billing for it never even got a will out of The Lion.
- Sean Featherbottom. Young, gay associate. CPA as well. Blonde and "wishy". Was he the last one to be with The Lion in the washroom?
- Tambola Cook. Miss Leftwitch. Stalks Sean. In the men's room with him and The Lion. What?
- The Prophet Andy. Angelic Leader of ECOTAG, Evangelical Congregation of the Angel Gabriel. Claims The Lion owed them big money for a building and Junior Angelship.
- The family. Moronika Headpin, victim's 22 year old half Arapaho girlfriend, first wife Hu Yen Fong and her children Watta and Jason, second wife Latrina Foxglover and her children Wandrasha and Dwante, third wife Veronica Goldstein and her children Henry and Glover, and Trisha DeLang, the oldest grandchild. Also Ryan O'Brien, brother who The Lion fired. Henry is head of IT for the O'Brien companies. The Lion doesn't like his IT. Thinks some letters like "s" and "h" were left out.
- Hyman Oyveyer. The Lion ruined his company and made a bundle on the ruining. Then The Lion froze him out of a box at the Symphony.
- Alan Allen. F, P & C partner. Wound up with The Lion's distinctive pen. Or did he?
- Detective Smokey Bongwad and Sgt Wilbert Gilbert. The cops.
- Wiggy Rodriguez. F, P & C investigator who has a big wig.